Poly Paradox

Hi! I used to blog quite a bit, but life took over and I unfortunately let it fall to the wayside. Life has changed in many ways, so I figured it was time for a fresh start. New name, new blog, new story. I guess I'll start with the fun little about me section. 

Where to start? I'm in my early thirties, and I'm married to my best friend, soul mate, and Dominant. Yup, this is another Ds lifestyle blog. Kinda. It goes deeper than that though, but this is only the beginning of the story. I'm a submissive, bottom, masochist, middle - maybe?, spanko, Oh and also girlfriend to my amazing Daddy. Ah, see it's getting a little bit deeper now. We're poly, and I honestly am the luckiest girl in the world to have two amazing people to love. It's not all a fairytale though, in fact it's been a heartbreaking nightmare the past couple months, and that's the main reason I decided to turn to a blog again. I need an outlet. And this used to be my safe place. Let's hope it works again.

So, back to the background info. I've been interested in spanking and domestic discipline for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories include thoughts of spanking. I remember in third or fourth grade I was in the library searching through books for any mention of it. As I got older the interests started expanding into more BDSM-y type of stuff. Spanking was still at the core though. Anyway, I met with my first spanker as soon as I turned 18 and I was hooked. My interests were pretty much strictly discipline at first, but as I got older I found out there was a lot more to it. I discovered spanking parties, other spankos, and realized there was this whole community where spanking could mean so many different things. It could be a release, it could be sexual, heck it could even be just for fun. Okay, I'm getting off track. That tends to happen a lot. 🙄

Long story short, I got the courage to tell my husband (boyfriend at the time) about my interests and he was amazing from the beginning. He was open to it, he wanted to explore, and he loved everything to do with it. We had A LOT of ups and downs trying to navigate this new aspect to our relationship, but every step, good or bad, just made us stronger. Fast forward a few years and I found out about kik groups revolving around bdsm. I met someone in there I instantly clicked with, and he introduced the idea of poly to me. I had been spanked by others before, but I never even thought of having feelings for someone else. My husband and I talked about it and decided to give it a shot. I even ended up going to visit this new guy. Let's call him A. He was great, he was a lot of fun, and he taught me a lot. Things ended, I got hurt, and figured I wouldn't be able to open my heart up to that again. Fast forward about a year.

I missed certain aspects I had with A. People always ask if it was something that was missing between my husband and I, and that couldn't be any further from the truth. 

Lesson one about poly. Nothing needs to be missing from your primary relationship in order to find someone else. My marriage is solid. Very solid. As in soulmate kind of solid. But that doesn't mean I can't also have enough love for someone else.

Back to the story. See I'm getting off track again. Yikes. So yea, I missed certain things that I had with A. I missed those phone calls throughout the day. I missed the Ds interaction. I just missed it. So I decided to try my luck with an ad on some personals site. I had a really good idea of what I was looking for, and I'm also admittedly kind of picky. So it wasn't going well. Some people weren't okay with poly, some people didn't have kinks that matched up with mine, some people had no conversation skills, and no one had that... spark. That is until he came along. We'll call him B. 

I'll also add in the fact that I wasn't looking for anything serious. I didn't want to get hurt again, so I just wanted some fun. I basically wanted a good friend I could flirt and play with. I didn't want a dynamic. 

B replied to my ad and there was something about it that really made me want to message him. He sounded like my type, he sounded intelligent, and he sounded fun. The conversation was good at first. The typical get to know you stuff. A couple days into it a close family member got sick and I didn't pay attention to any messages. As I was going to check my messages when things calmed down a bit, one from him popped up. "If you're not interested you could let me know. It's pretty rude to just ghost someone". I right away was on the defense. Well excuse me dude, real life happened and I had to focus on that. I was pissed, but I also secretly loved that he called me out on my shit. Thankfully he understood, and explained that he was ghosted by his ex and was still hurting over it. Hey something in common. I went through that with A and had a damn fortress and a moat built up around my heart because of it. We continued talking and we just... clicked. It just worked.

Not terribly long after that, a couple months maybe, he told me I'd fall in love with him. I remember saying to my husband that B needed to slow down a bit because I wasn't at that place. But the truth is, I knew I would too. And that scared me. It was the last thing either of us were looking for. We both wanted a friend to have fun with. Someone to talk to. Play with. I didn't imagine I'd find the love that I didn't even know I was looking for. 

Okay, time for a break. I guess I didn't realize how long the backstory would be. I'll be back to finish with another entry soon enough.